Living in the City

This is my alarm clock every morning:

A car comes speeding down my street at 5:45 a.m. Bass pounding. The car stops just a few doors from my house. Horn begins honking. Yes. HONKING. At 5:45 in the freakin a.m. Who HONKS their horn that early in the morning? Seriously? Is it just me or is that really ignorant? So, anyway...today, the honking begins this whole domino effect of noise. The crazy oxycontin addicted neighbors wake up - they put their dogs out in the front yard - with no fence, of course, to crap on everyone else’s lawn (one dog looks like a hot dog with no legs on crack, the other dog looks like a poodle, but with patches of hair missing.) They begin yapping so loud that MY dogs, who are inside of my house, begin barking. Then, my dogs start going crazy because the lunatic neighbors dogs are basically just crapping all over my yard and just yapping at nothing. THEN, the boyfriend of the oxy addicted neighbor comes out and starts yelling at the top of his lungs, "HEY YOU! You git on back here God damn it! Git yer God Damn ass back on down dis here street now, God damn it! You better git your ass back down here now, God damn it!" I have no idea who or what he is talking to. It’s not the dogs because by this time, I am looking out of the front window wondering what the hell is going on - there is noise everywhere - neighbor screaming - dogs barking, bass pounding - horns honking - guns blazing. And he is walking and talking in the opposite direction of the dogs and he can clearly see his freaky dogs are yapping and crapping in front of my house. I’m peering out the window and the neighbor is stumbling around yelling at...NOTHING. It’s nuts! My street is nuts.

Anyway, I think tomorrow I am going to throw eggs at the 5:45 a.m. honker. That should put an end to his honking.

Rant # 1:

McDonalds "Restaurants" - My McDonalds Complaint:

Here is my letter to McDonalds. Their food is so vile and nasty, I cannot ever imagine myself eating it again after what happened recently. Here is my letter to them. First, let me briefly tell you that before going, I tossed the idea back and forth in my head for like, oh, two hours. Yes, two hours. So, after two hours, I got in my car and went. Big mistake! When they didn't have my first choice (salad with chicken on top), I settled on a nasty old cheeseburger; which by the way took me like 10 minutes to translate to the guy taking my order. Take note and please spread the word:

Restaurant Address: XXXXX

Your Manager is disgusting and the thought of him touching my food is enough to make me not eat at this particular location or ANY of your locations ever again. After seeing the stinky Manager with a dirty shirt slumped over the register slobbering all over his dirty fingers, I told myself, "Leave now, get out of here, do not eat here!", but, I was hungry and tired, so I put on my nicest darkest sunglasses (embarassed to be there) and pushed onward.

There was a time in this town when the McD's was good (actually, I would never say "good", let's just say "edible") if you ever ate there. Now, it is gross! You've got dirty looking foreigners who look more like terrorists (by the way, way to go McDonalds! Right after 9/11, CEO of McDonalds, "Hey, let's hire a bunch of 1/4 speaking-English, smelly, dirty terrorists to save a little money...who cares if we scare the women and children of this little town! Cheap labor = more money in my pocket!") I bet if you were to check your sales in this location, they have probably dropped quite a bit because people have either died from the food or they swore themselves to Jesus, promising to start a healthy lifestyle, after eating their last meal at McD's.

When I have gone to this particular McD's to get something, I can't even get what I want because they are "out" of salads. All of the time! Amazing! To be OUT of salads at McDonalds. Hmmm, let's see: Lettuce. Tomatoes. Dressing. OUT. Simply.....amazing! Oh, and can you believe it, they were OUT of "water" bottles the first day of the 'healthy' "Step Meal" promotion (a salad with bottled water and a free "step tracker") ... you know, when you tried to target the smart people who avoid your dangerous food.

This McD's has never had fresh food on any occasion when I have gone there. It is cold and smells. That's right, just like the smelly terrorist taking my order!

I went home, took a few bites of my burger (three to be precise) and I began to wonder just what the hell it was I was eating. I actually began inspecting the burger to make sure there wasn't anything out of the ordinary on it (nice visual, huh?!) I saw something that looked like a small gnat on the bun, but as I inspected it further, it looked like a booger! But then I thought, "could this be a flake of skin from the dirty foreigner?" At that point, all sorts of crazy thoughts began running through my head, "Is it a booger that fell out of his nose as he breathed or perhaps a booger that got stuck to his finger as he sat there picking his nose while desperately waiting for customers to arrive and then transferred it to my bun while making my burger!" I said "cheeseburger", not "cheesebooger". I made myself sick just thinking about the possibilities of what this "thing" on my burger could be. I shivered and quickly threw the burger in the bag and put the bag in the garbage can. Moments later I continued to smell this foul odor---not like a rotten smell, more like something unnatural lingering in the air, killing the freshness in the air. I was like, "what the hell is that smell?" I began looking around, looking at my dog and she looked back at me - her head tilted, eyes squinted - she's looking at me, as if she was even thinking, "What the hell is that smell?" I looked at the bottom of my shoes, thinking maybe I stepped in throw-up as I left the McD's; that someone puked out after leaving your establishment. Then it dawned on me---IT'S THE McDONALDS BAG IN THE GARBAGE CAN! I went over to my garbage can, took the bag out, put the McD's bag IN ANOTHER large bag (as if I was disposing of toxic waste), walked outdoors and swiftly put it in the large cans outside.

Months ago, I swore to myself I would never return to the gates of Hell after I ordered mystery nuggets for my nephew. Ah, but I returned tonight only to face the demons once more! And for the record? My 2 yr old nephew would not even eat your food---he spit it out and started crying. I kid you not! That is how repulsive and vile your food is. When a 2 yr old refuses to eat food from McDonalds, something is SERIOUSLY wrong.

Get with it people! Do something about the quality of your food. I am sure you are losing millions by the minute because the quality has become so poor. Actually, I don't really care what you do at this point. YOU COULD NOT PAY ME TO EAT AT McDONALDS EVER AGAIN!! I wouldn't even eat a bare piece of lettuce from your restaurant. You've probably managed to inject your lettuce with globs of fat. I remember as a small child, my friend told me that his brother worked at that McD's and claimed the onions were not real onions. In fact, he claimed they were these "things" that were put into a "machine"; which mysteriously turned these "things" into "onions". Even as a child, I thought that was impossible and ridiculous to believe. But, now, I REALLY WONDER! Also, the fries taste like they have been sitting for hours...like they haven't changed the oil in years, since the restaurant opened! I can't remember the last time I had hot fresh fries. Then again, I can't remember the last time I ordered those filthy things. It's been YEARS! And really, are you qualified to call your outfits "restaurants"?

I will never go there or to any of your waste plants again. Speaking of waste plants, CLEAN YOUR BATHROOMS, YOU DIRTBAGS! Oh, whatever, nevermind. You'll never do anything about it anyway so I don't know why I am wasting my time. You suck. That's the bottom line. Seriously, I feel like throwing up right now on my keyboard---that is how disgusting your food is. In fact, I think I threw up a tad in my mouth just thinking about the fact that I actually took three bites from the booger I bought *gag*. I feel like I have a lump of toxic waste in my stomach just sitting there...not moving...not breaking down...ready to slowly bring me to my death! Oh my God, I will never eat your food again! It is so naaaaasty! I have to go purge this toxic waste out of my system before it kills me in my sleep! And please, don't send me any free coupons as a pathetic attempt to win me back! I'll probably be dead before they arrive! Besides, I'd rather pick food from a dumpster!